My Worst Fear

Through this blog, I feel like I’ve shared a lot of myself with you guys. My Readers. The friends and family that I shoved the link to this website at and strangers that I’m truly grateful found the link for themselves. Today, I think I’m going to share with you one of my biggest fears.

To me, one of the worst, most wretched things that could ever happen, is being forgotten. To fade and slip into the dark, slippery abyss of life, into the background of someone’s mind. For one moment being something, and eventually just becoming meaningless. Nothing. One of my worst fears is being irrelevant. Not mattering to people and having no impact on their lives.

And this is admittedly awful. It’s an arrogant and egotistical fear. It’s a fear balanced on other people judging my worth and weighing every ounce of me up in their brains. ‘Is she good enough?’, ‘will I only remember her as a small part of this moment, or did she help make the moment?’. Even weirder, is that I assume people put this much thought into such things. Memory just is, do you know what I mean. People don’t sit at home after a nice time and meditate on the moment so it gets committed to memory… I mean maybe they do, and there’s no judgement here if you do. To be honest with you, that almost makes it worse. Because memory is so fickle, you could be forgotten so passively, so the whole thing almost seems more pathetic.The thing is,  this makes it a fear that will forever perpetuate, because it is also infinitely based on my own self-esteem and whether I think I myself am worthy of being remembered. It’s a possessive cycle of self-inflicted fear.

But it’s more than that. It’s more than those moments between people and wondering if you’re good enough to be remembered then and there. It’s about being important in the great scheme of things, and further, it’s about the things you’ve done being important. Perhaps that’s why I started this blog. To make a splash in the massive ocean of thoughts and words that flood the world. I want to feel like what I do and feel and think counts for something. I want to have an impact on people and their lives. That sounds vaguely disruptive and manipulative, but I don’t mean it like that. I wish beyond anything for my actions to have the power to do something good. Educate people on something, changing people’s mind on something, entertain people, making them laugh. It is so important to me to positively impact the world, in which case I suppose this fear is quite a good thing if you think about it. It insights proactivity…?

I know everyone says that if you’re remembered by those that are closest to you, that’s all that matters, but I’m sorry, that’s not really good enough for me. Frankly, I don’t think it should be good enough for anybody to settle for just that. Obviously, I know that being remembered unfadingly by those close to you is most important, but I think it is important to be a person that can positively affect any random person that they meet and subsequently always be remembered. So maybe this fear will translate into ambition. I can’t say I’m the most ambitious person ever. But one thing I know is that somehow, someway, I want to be remembered. I want to tattoo my signature on to the crust of the earth, and the minds of the people I meet. So in some ways, I will never really be forgotten. 

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