The Woes Of Contact Lenses

Today we’re gonna discuss the incredibly relatable to everyone ever issue of glasses. Glasses. You know, that thing you put on your face when your eyes don’t function properly so you can at least see 10 centimetres in front of your face. Glasses. The vital life necessity, not the casual day-to-day accessory you fling on to make your outfit a little more retro.

But that’s beside the point. Right now isn’t the time for ranting about the misconceptions on the appropriate usage of eyewear, rather the option of not having to use said eyewear at all. That is my long-winded and unnecessary way of saying that today  I’m talking about contacts.

Here’s something you may or may not know about me. If you haven’t already gathered, because I’ve been incredibly subtle about it, I wear glasses. In fact, I have been wearing glasses since the ripe old age of about 9, thus meaning I have had contraptions on my face for nearing on 9 years. For those of you who didn’t work it out already, that is exactly half my life. I have been wearing glasses for half of my life.

So you may be thinking:

‘Great Sars, you’ve talked about glasses for 3 paragraphs to seemingly no end. But I thought you were meant to be talking about contacts’.

Well, you little smart ass here’s where we get into contacts discussion. Due to the fact that I have been graced with frames on my face for a chunk of my life, I thought, why not mix things up a little bit, go wild, get crazy. Let’s get contacts! I’m going to be completely honest, this decision was also greatly influenced by the fact that I have been blinded in one too many a rainstorm due to rain fogging up my glasses, but that sounds lame so let’s forget that.

Anyway, back to the story. So I went to Specsavers, spoke to my main man Graham the optician, and after a bit of staring at balls… eye balls (get your mind out of the gutter), and some yellow dye in my eyes, we arranged for me to have a contacts trial. Oooh, aaah! Exciting, right?! WRONG! This was the start to a long, long path of extreme irritation and a considerable amount of pain.

Here are some more fun little facts about me.

1. I learnt, far too casually for my liking, that I have an astigmatism. I would explain what that means to you, but frankly, I have no idea. Just know I, apparently, have funky eyes.

2. I can work my way through three different styles of contacts and none will work with my eyes.

3. I sometimes just don’t know when to give up

It is during this trial period that I worked myself into an epic rage, strongly fuelled (much like most of my rages) by teen movies. Naive little me thought that it would all be like the movies. I would suddenly be able to whip off my glasses, whack on some contacts and I’d suddenly transform into this gorgeous being. From geek to chic, from Clark Kent to Superman, I would discover my true magical swan on the inside or some nonsense like that. But no. That’s bullshit. None of the above occurred.

I’m sorry, but do you know what happens when you go from wearing glasses for 9 years to not wearing glasses at all?!? Everyone, including yourself, thinks you look weird!! Like really, really, very, super weird. Once when I was in school a girl asked to see what I looked like without glasses on. Bear in mind it was not my idea to take my glasses off. Then when I did exactly what she inconveniently asked me to do she gasped, then said, and I quote:
‘Ew no, you look awful! Put them back on now’

That did wonders for my self-esteem, I assure you. I honestly don’t understand how I got it so wrong in my head. I’m rather saddened by how wrong I was. Not gonna lie, I kinda wanted to rock up to my last year of school a whole new, unbelievably cool person. But, here’s a surprising bit of info. You have the same personality with or without noticeably impaired eyesight. If I’m a loser with glasses, funnily enough, I’m still gonna be a loser without glasses!

Oh, I’m irate! Too irate to even try to be funny.

I’m sorry to any young readers that may have stumbled upon this, please avert your eyes now, but fuck you teen movies! Fuck you and your pack of lies. Conning poor little glasses clad kids that sit in anticipation, waiting for the day when they turn heads when walking down corridors. Like come on, that’s what puberty does, not contacts, and sometimes not even that does it! Why was I such a fool? And frankly, it looked even worse when I wore contacts because I poked my eyes so many times I just ended up looking like I’d been crying, constantly.

Oh, I don’t even know if I’m making sense anymore. It’s late and I’m tired, and you know what makes this all a million times worse? Instead of going to sleep, I have to go take these god damn contacts out of my eyes! AAAAAH I’M LOSING MY MIND!