Everybody Hates Me
Everybody hates me.
Have you read the title of this post? How did it make you feel? More importantly, have you ever had this thought yourself? Are you having it right now? I am.
One of the worst things in the world, something that can just suck you up and completely wring you dry, is overthinking. And boy, oh boy, do I overthink a lot. To really overthink is to do more than just second guess yourself. It’s more like ruminating. Ruminating, as my therapist described it, is the process of focusing all your attention on one negative thing and just sitting in it, with no level of productivity in those thoughts. I do more than this, however. My version of overthinking dramatically melds with my overactive imagination. I take one situation and create a world around it.
Have you ever played that game in a busy shopping centre, where you see a random person, and just based on the little you see of them: their clothes, what they’re holding, their facial expression, you create this whole life story for them? Well, that’s essentially what I do with tiny, little, ultimately unimportant situations. And with these little moments, I craft a future and a past around them, twisting any and every detail until it becomes sufficiently awful. Then I slot it into my life, and it becomes truth.
This is awful. It’s a plague that spreads outwards infecting everything in sight, corrupting anything in association to this one moment, with no sense of rationality or logic. Any happy memory associated with it suddenly turns sad, creating a backwards chain reaction of negativity. Thus, in my head, every step I take is wrong, every word I said is doubted and every person I love hates me. Everything is my fault.
To overthink puts you in a state of semi-paralysis, at least mentally. You can’t hold another conversation, you can’t do work, you can’t function, your brain just stays stuck on this one situation. Its like when a video is buffering and freezes, then your whole laptop just stops, stuck on that screen, and you can’t close any tabs or log off. You’re just stuck. I’m tired of being stuck.
I don’t think I’m special, I’m gonna put that out there. This post isn’t me trying to shout, ‘look at my quirky brain’, and similarly it’s not a cry for help. I’m just using my small sharing space to do exactly that, share. This is how I feel, and how loads and loads of people with anxiety or depression or both or many other different things feel. Maybe this is how you feel, in which case, I’m sorry you feel like this. No one should feel like this, because it really is shit.
I wanted to say something profound with this post. Something uplifting and mind altering. Something that can benefit people in any way. I don’t think I’ve done any of this. But I suppose there is nothing really more profound than the real life, true to time troubles of a complicated mind. Maybe we can just sift through it all together.